Hi there,
With the retirement of the M&Ms spokescandies, there is now a big hole in the market for anyone hoping to sexually fantasize about an animated food mascot.
Well, we here at Cap’n Crunch want to assure you that our beloved seafaring mascot is not going anywhere: He is still gonna be the same sex-starved DILF whose sexual prowess you’ve been fantasizing about for decades.
You know how when you see a Cap’n Crunch commercial, you instinctively moan “daddy” and start fantasizing about what’s beneath those pantaloons?
Well, don’t worry, because the Cap’n is still slangin’ that D.
No bad-faith pressure campaign from Tucker Carlson is gonna stop Cap’n Crunch from doing what he does best: showing up in your sex dreams with a bouquet of roses and a wet, wet mustache.
For decades, Cap’n Crunch has inspired the sexual awakenings of countless Americans. He’s a little sexual demon, and we couldn’t be prouder to call him our cereal mascot.
The M&M spokescandies might be gone, but we guarantee that the next time you walk down the breakfast aisle, you’ll be met by the steely gaze of this lab-grown specimen of raw carnal desire.
Cap’n Crunch is here to stay - both on our cereal box, and in your lewd, disgusting dreams.
Stay hungry,
Cap’n Crunch Cereals