To whom it may concern/Harlan Crow:
I am a TV writer who has been affected by the ongoing Writers Strike. Today, an anonymous studio exec said their strategy is to force writers to “lose their apartments and lose their homes.”
This worries me. I will need money soon, so I am searching for a mindless job where I can make plenty of money — preferably cash, and preferably off the books.
That is why I hope you will consider me to be a Right-wing judge.
Supreme Court, Circuit, District, doesn’t mater — I just need to get set up with a wealthy patron who attends to my every financial need.
I have been practicing my Right-wing judicial opinions. Every morning I stand in front of the mirror and say “The Civil Rights Acts was unconstitutional.” Whenever Joe Biden speaks, I shout at the television that he is exceeding his authority.
I am prepared to deport Kamala Harris. Please hire me as a Judge.
As a TV writer I can string together words really fast while incorporating notes from a shadowy group of powerful men who lord over me. I’m not super familiar with the Constitution, but I am a whiz with Wikipedia and RhymeZone.com.
For my services I would like nothing more than what you offer your most loyal independent judges: Money, lavish vacations, money, a couple of houses, a racehorse(?), mysterious “consulting” payments to my spouse, and of course, use of the jet.
The Writers Strike seems like it might last awhile. The executives’ endgame is “mass writer homelessness.” So who knows? I could be the judge that declares the 2024 election fraudulent.
That’s right: *I* could write MyPillow Guy v. the State of Arizona. And I could make it rhyme!
Look, I don’t know what you want from me. So just fly me out to your five-star hunting lodge and tell me what you require. FYI, I am vegetarian, so instead of fine meats you will need to ply me with booze, cigars, and one of those fancy internet mattresses.
In return, I promise that I will crush the Administrative State and also that I will be fun on your yacht. I’m a good actor; you’ll really believe that I’m laughing at your story about golfing with Newt Gingrich.
“Hahahaha! You and Newt should be on Saturday Night Live, I’m serious! Pass the Don Julio?”
I should note that I haven’t been to law school or passed the Bar, but I don’t see why this should be an obstacle. What Republican is gonna vote against me, Lindsey Graham? Get real.
Check this out: “The Kentucky Attorney General is correct: The Biden Administration overstepped when it moved Joe Biden’s possessions into the White House. Mr. Biden is hereby Evicted. It is so ruled. Signed, Judge Jason O. Gilbert.”
I am Emmy nominated and I can pretend that I am unvaccinated. When can I start?
Oh, and in terms of logistics: Can I be a District Judge representing Texas while still working from my apartment in Brooklyn? I am happy to wear a cowboy hat. Let’s discuss on Zoom.
Thank you for considering my application to be a Right-wing judge. I hope to speak to you and the anonymous cabal of Conservatives that increasingly decides what is legal in this country.
Your friend,
“Judge” Jason O. Gilbert