Crime and Shrugishment

In which Republicans do not have good answers to basic questions.

Imagine you are a Republican Senator, and you are insanely high.

You ate a weed edible, didn’t feel anything after 30 minutes, so you ate 2 more, and now, 3 hours later, you can barely distinguish your lips from the rest of your face.

You walk out of your office and there is CNN’s Manu Raju. Oh FUCK. Do you have a press conference scheduled for right now? Shit.

You are high as balls and Manu Raju is asking you a question about Donald Trump being found guilty of sexual abuse and defamation.

If you were that Senator… Would your answers be substantially different than these?

SIR! [snapping fingers] HELLO?!?!

The question was “Do you find the verdict legitimate?” and you answered “That’ll be settled in the primaries.” What??

What will be settled in the primaries? Whether the verdict was legitimate? Whether YOU accept the verdict was legitimate? Are primary voters going to be casting ballots on whether Mitch McConnell believes the sexual abuse verdict against Donald Trump was legitimate? How many fingers am I holding up?

Honestly, in some sense, they are, because once Donald Trump wins the Republican primary, Mitch McConnell is going to have to waddle out to that lectern and say, “Yeah, Donald Trump got convicted of sexual abusing a woman…but you seen these gas prices?”

Also, “I have no observations” is so funny. The other day a friend told me that Colorado is in the only state that has water flowing out but not in. I did not have any observations about that besides “huh.” You’re telling me Mitch McConnell had the same reaction to hearing that the leader of his party was found guilty of sex crimes?

Okay brother, why don’t you go grab yourself a Nerd rope and look at some optical illusions, we’ll get back to you tomorrow.

Bonus: If you are Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy, and you are so high you can feel your eyelids buzzing…

Would you give a different answer than this in response to what Congress should do about gun violence?

Yeah! What if instead of CONGRESS passing laws, the AMERICAN PEOPLE all came together, man, and, uh, they had a conversation about …what were we talking about? Right, right. Pink Floyd. You ever listen to Ummagumma?

I love CNN’s Manu Raju because he will ask very simple questions like “Should Congress do anything about toddlers getting shot in the mall,” and he’ll get answers like “Perhaps the American nation shall weigh in, forsooth?”

And then he’ll nod and put that on CNN.

Technically, that is an answer to his question.Kevin McCarthy looked in his direction, and he strung together a series of words that could be construed as responsive.

But honestly: If I accidentally took an edible before going to work at Congress, and someone asked me what should be done about gun violence, I might vomit up the same answer before running back to my office and locking the door and waiting for the weed to wear off.