Facebook's Threads is so depressing
Like a $19 turkey sandwich at an airport
God, Threads is depressing.
Threads is a new Twitter clone made by Facebook. (I will not now, nor will I ever, call Mark Zuckerberg’s company “Meta”).
Every part of Threads’ existence makes me shake my head: Twitter selling itself to Elon Musk because he offered a stupid high price; Elon Musk promptly ruining Twitter so badly that any alternative looks palatable, even one run by Mark “My other platform enabled a literal genocide” Zuckerberg; the bland, market-tested design; the thirsty grindfluencers posting with the energy of a puppy with zoomies; the looming, heavy-breathing presence of Zuck; the corporate-ness of it all.
Just all of it, man. Every part of it sucks.
What does Threads feels like?
Threads feels like when a local restaurant you enjoy opens a location in an airport.
It feels like a Twitter alternative you would order from Brookstone.
It feels like if an entire social network was those posts that tell you what successful entrepreneurs do before 6AM.
It feels like watching a Powerpoint from the Brand Research team where they tell you that Pop Tarts is crushing it on social.
It feels like Casual Friday on LinkedIn.
Will Threads last? I don’t know. It is an app stuffed with verified users I’ve never heard of who have 7 million YouTube subscribers. They all do Epic Pranks and they spread Positive Vibes and they Don’t Talk Politics Here.
I keep waiting for these guys to collapse but they never do, so probably Threads won’t either for awhile.
Currently there is no way to only see posts from the people you are following. You click on your home page to see what your friends are up to but guess what? It’s time for an Epic Meme from the official Salesforce account.
As Young Sheldon once said: Bazinga!
There will be obstacles for Threads. One is that, because the two apps are connected, the biggest users on Threads are the biggest users on Instagram, many of whom suck at writing.
Twitter thrived with its own micro-celebrities, many of whom were anonymous Socialists with the word “boner” in their handles. It’s not clear if they’re coming to a Mark Zuckerberg-owned social network.
Twitter’s best service was instant takes on breaking news. Are bland, micromanaged Instagram celebs suddenly going to have something interesting to say during a presidential debate?
They won’t. But when the debate is on, your new users will open your app looking for up-to-the-second jokes. When Donald Trump gets arrested again no one will want to see Jake Paul asking for everyone’s favorite productivity tool.
I’m getting off-topic. The vibes on Threads are bad. Have you ever been high/drunk and you walk into a CVS and the security guard is staring at you? That’s what Threads is. It’s deodorants locked behind plastic. It’s TikTok Hype Houses. It is Joe Biden’s reelection campaign. It’s a sneaker collab between Nike and JP Morgan. It’s your favorite stand-up comic showing up in a commercial for Carvana.
It’s better than Twitter, of course, which has Berlin 1937-vibes.
But it is not a Good alternative. It is a less-bad alternative, and unlike Bluesky (which feels comparatively free-flowing and authentic), it is open to everyone right now.
I hope Threads dies out and something not owned by Mark Zuckerberg wins out. Do you remember Facebook Poke, released in 2012? It was a shameless clone of Snapchat? No? I am manifesting that fate for Threads.
But if not, uh, I guess you can follow me on Threads. Can’t wait to riff on the first presidential debate with the Doritos brand account and the Try Guys.
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