Florida is down so bad
It's like an entire state lost its job and got dumped
When was the last time you read anything good about Florida?
We all have that one friend whose social media is one mishap after another: I got dumped. My car broke down. I’m into RFK Jr. now. My house caught fire. Here’s a quote by Jordan Peterson I like. I’m in the hospital with frostbite.
That’s Florida.
Here are some items about Florida I can remember reading in the past couple months:
Their Golden Boy governor is flopping in the presidential race; its ocean water is so hot it “feels like a steamy syrup”; its largest lake is covered in deadly toxic slime; insurance companies will no longer insure homes there; the weird Ron DeSantis state militia is faltering, as is his takeover of New College; there was a demonstration by Nazis outside of Disney World and Disney Corp. decided not to relocate 2,000 jobs there.
Florida is on the kind of losing streak that usually only happens to doomed protagonists in Coen Brothers movies.
What happened?
Florida was flying high for awhile, at least according to some very gullible reporters.
Every anti-mask weirdo in the country who was mad they couldn’t eat indoors at Romano’s Macaroni Grill migrated there in 2021.
Ron DeSantis and Marco Rubio and a bunch of over-Botoxed congressmen paraded to huge victories in the 2022 election — probably on the backs of said weirdos.
Remember when Politico wrote that item called “How Ron DeSantis won the pandemic” IN MARCH 2021, and everyone was like, “Hey, the pandemic is still going”?
It’s grimly funny to read now. Right after the article was published, Florida got slammed by a wave of mass preventable death, just like everyone predicted it would. They ended up with more deaths than New York somehow.
Ron DeSantis did worse at COVID than Andrew Cuomo, who spent all his time making Powerpoints and trying to have sex with 30-year-old direct reports.
Look at this shit:
It’s like a wrap-up of Super Bowl 51 written when the Falcons were up 28-3. Here are some assertions:
Ron DeSantis has the chops to be the Republican front-runner for President in 2024. (Nope.)
Florida is not faring worse than liberal states when it comes to Covid deaths. (Should have waited on this one!)
Ron DeSantis is earning a reputation as an executive who can balance ideology and science. (Lol)
It’s all gone sideways, hasn’t it?
Ron DeSantis was once known for anti-Science COVID measures. Now he’s known for hating gay people and sucking pudding off his fingers.
The years start coming and they don’t stop coming, don’t they, Ron?
The state feels like it is sinking under the weight of his failure. Florida is on a losing streak like…uh, like, the 2020-2021 Jacksonville Jaguars, who lost 20 games in a row.
Every Monday we’d wake up to the headline “Jaguars Lose.” Now the weekly headline is “Florida is Fucked.”
Why?
One reason why is that the Scientists were more correct than a bunch of opinion columnists who vacation with David Koch.
COVID wrecked Florida. Climate change is wrecking Florida. Unpopular culture war bullshit is backfiring in predictable ways.
And of course, most pressingly: Is there a more cringeworthy show on television than Ron DeSantis on the campaign trail?
This man has the charisma of a lamp. His clothes don’t fit. He laughs like a horse getting its balls cut off.
Do you know how many puff pieces I read praising Ron DeSantis as a future leader?
Are Florida voters drinking from that toxic lake? Are Politico reporters?
Ron DeSantis is the one coworker on your team you don’t invite to Happy Hour. And he won reelection by 20 points?
Is it embarrassing for diehard DeSantis fans to watch their man flop so hard on the national stage?
It feels like a higher-stakes version of telling your friend they HAVE to check out this funny YouTube video, and then watching them watch it in stony silence.
So, Florida:
I am sorry that while every parcel of land from Jacksonville to Miami is burning, your head of state is in Iowa pretending to enjoy the company of other humans.
Honestly it’s probably better that way. Based on his tenure as governor, Ron DeSantis is going to try to solve the climate crisis by making it illegal to join a gay men’s choir.
Maybe he will slip and fall while throwing his head back to fake-laugh and you can get a new governor?
Florida, I hope you break out of this rough patch. I hope this long plague of natural disasters, embarrassing representatives, and all-too-predictable blunders ends soon.
Florida: We see you, and we HEAR you.
You never like to see an entire state struggle like this. Your bad luck will end soon. Please do not jump in your poisoned lake.