You know, I was gonna skip this one.
But since everyone is talking about the big story of the Republican showdown with law enforcement, I figure I have to give my opinion.
We all know what I’m talking about: Rep. Ronny Jackson (R-TX) allegedly getting shit-faced at a rodeo and then telling a bunch of cops he was going to fuck them up.
Oh, have you not heard about this story? That’s interesting. It is all I can think about.
First, a little setup. Ronny Jackson is a 2nd-term nutjob Congressman from Texas. Here are 3 tweets that tell you basically everything you need to know about his politics:
Before becoming an idiot politician, Jackson was — and this is going to be a real plot twist for many of you — the personal White House physician for President Barack Obama and, later, President Donald Trump.
You may remember that when Trump almost died of COVID in 2020, Jackson (who was no longer White House physician) tweeted this health update:
You may note that Dr. Jackson misspelled “asymptomatic” and left out the “comorbity” that Donald Trump is very fat, and being very fat makes you more likely to die of COVID.
And indeed, a day after this tweet Donald Trump was on his death bed at Walter Reed Hospital.
So, that’s Ronny Jackson, bog standard butter-brained whackjob Republican congressman from Texas. Now let’s get to his special scandal.
Here’s what does not seem to be in dispute: On July 29 Dr. Ronny attended a rodeo in White Deer, Texas, a small town in his district. At the event 15-year-old girl started having seizures and Ronny— as a Doctor—was called over to assist. (The girl is fine).
Eventually EMS arrives and Dr. Ronny refuses to back away from the patient, so the police push him away, slam him to the ground, and cuff him.
Dr. Ronny becomes belligerent and starts shouting:
“You are a fucking full-on dick!” Jackson told the trooper after being brought off the ground, according to bodycam footage provided by the Department of Public Safety. “You better recalculate, motherfucker!”
DPS Trooper Cade Young repeatedly told Jackson that multiple people asked him to step aside so EMS could respond to a medical emergency. Jackson…disagreed and continued to confront Young on the sidelines of the event, with bystanders physically restraining Jackson as he lunged toward the trooper, jabbing his finger and yelling profanities.
“I’m gonna call the governor tomorrow and I’m gonna talk to him about this shit because this is fuckin’ ridiculous,” Jackson told Young at one point. “Fuckin’ ridiculous.”
I love the insult that the Sheriff is a “full-on dick.” As opposed to “half-affixed dick”?
“Bro, you’re a dick, but, like, only 3/8th of one!” Actually that seems like a worse insult. To be 3/8th of a dick? Humiliating. Maybe “full-on dick” is a compliment? We’ve reached out to the Congressman for comment.
Anyway, here’s where this gets really juicy. Ronny Jackson and the Sheriff’s office are in disagreement over three key facts of the story.
This is the thing that fascinates me about this story, because this makes the whole to-do a brainteaser set to Level Impossible.
Cop vs. Politician. Who is telling the truth?
If you had to name the two professions in America that lie the most to the media, “small-town Southern police officer” and “MAGA-pilled politician” would probably be at the top. They are the Michael Jordan and Lebron James of lying into tape recorders.
So what do they disagree about? Well:
One: Dr. Ronny says no cop ever told him to get back, so the cops’ use of force was excessive. This will be grimly funny to anyone who has ever heard Republicans talk about how if you just comply with police’s commands you will be fine.
Two: The cops say Dr. Ronny was drunk. Dr. Ronny firmly denies this. He even put out a press statement saying that he was “in the stands during the entire rodeo, in full view of the assembled crowd, and was not drinking.”
Reading between the lines, this makes me think he drank before the rodeo.
But also: What Texan goes to a rodeo and doesn’t have a beer? How can you represent Northern Texas and be at the rodeo stone-cold sober? If Ilhan Omar did this she would be recalled the next day. His opponent next election should use this in an attack ad: (creepy voice) “Ronny Jackson says he’s a real Texan. So why is he watching a rodeo without a tallboy of Lone Star in both hands?”
Here I should note that Ronny Jackson was accused of being inappropriately soused on multiple occasions WHILE he was White House doctor. It makes me wonder: How many times are you allowed to get caught drunk while you are caring for the Leader of the Free World before you get fired? I would have guessed the answer was “1,” but apparently the answer is “more than 1.”
Three: The cops got mad after Ronny Jackson tried to stick a gumball in the patient’s mouth. Don’t you love this story? That is not a typo. Ronny Jackson was caring for this teenage girl, recalled his medical training, then shoved a gumball into her mouth like it was a baggy of cocaine and she was a drug mule:
Jackson tried to care for the patient by putting a gumball in her mouth as a way to elevate blood sugar. Jackson suggested to Young that he did that because she may have been hypoglycemic; Young said [the girl] was anemic and Jackson disagreed, telling Young he does not have the medical knowledge to know that.
Was the patient hypoglycemic or anemic? I don’t know, and I don’t care. The image of a drunk yokel trying to shove a gumball in a girl’s mouth while screaming “GET OFF ME, I CHECKED PRESIDENT TRUMP’S PROSTATES” is enough to get me through the day.
I am guessing this is the conclusion of this story, and no one will face any consequences or learn anything.
After a couple of weeks, the cops released their bodycam footage of the incident. You can watch it if you are interested in seeing one of the most powerful men in America tell a cop he will fuck him up and suffer no political blowback whatsoever.
For his part, Dr. Ronny has no regrets in his actions and tweeted this:
Oh, really? You think EVERY sheriff is good except the ONE you encountered at the rodeo? What a crazy coincidence! What are the odds that you had a run-in with the ONE bad cop in all of Texas? That’s wild, man.
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In a just world this would be the top story on the Evening News. Of course, if, say, AOC had berated a bunch of sheriffs at a rodeo, it would be.
There would be thinkpieces, a Fox News primetime special live from the rodeo grounds, an impeachment hearing. The New York Times would run 8 different columns about The Problem With AOC; they’d dispatch a reporter to a nearby diner to find swing voters who are now leaning Republican due to anti-police rhetoric from the Left.
But because it’s some whacko White guy, you might not have even heard about the Representative who got tackled by cops for failing to comply with orders. Isn’t that weird?
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It is a wild coincidence, as I have said, that Dr. Ronny Jackson happened to encounter the single bad Sheriff in all of Texas.
But Ronny, I wonder if you can use that Texas-sized imagination for a second here, and consider the following:
Do you think that maybe other Americans have encountered bad cops?
Can you see now how minor disagreements can suddenly escalate into violence?
Why is it that a Republican can threaten to assault a police officer and no one cares?
How many drinks have you had this morning?
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