Musk vs. Zuck vs. Who Gives a Shit
Like a fight between Herpes and Strep Throat
Elon Musk is going to do an MMA fight against Mark Zuckerberg and good Lord, I could barely finish that sentence without my eyes rolling back into my head.
Who is actually excited, or even mildly interested, in watching this?
It’s like going to see your boss do improv.
It has the vibes of a Chainsmokers concert at a business conference.
Everyone is going through the motions of fun but…Is it actually entertaining?
This feels like a scheme dreamed up in a conference room by a well-compensated creative agency in Brooklyn.
Someone wearing a jean jacket definitely said the phrase “Potential synergies.” The whole thing smells like Powerpoint.
Has following a sporting event ever felt more like an obligation?
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I keep seeing headlines with the tiniest, least interesting updates about this fight. Who is clicking on this shit?
Imagine going to a journalism school and dreaming of writing deeply reported investigations for the New Yorker and being assigned one of these:
I asked ChatGPT to write one of these stories and it quit journalism to do PR for Samsung. I don’t blame it.
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One of the problems is that in a fight, you need to want someone to win.
In this case there is no one to root for. It’s like a boxing match between Herpes and Strep Throat.
Would it be cool to see Herpes laid out for once? Sure. But then I’m cheering for Strep? That feels weird.
Is there a way for Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk to simultaneously roundhouse-kick each other in the head?
Or better…Might Musk and Zuck approach each other, trip over their own feet, and bonk their heads together like coconuts, immediately ending the match?
Who do people want to win the fight between Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg? I am rooting for a carbon monoxide leak.
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Maybe the oddest part about The Fight is the timing. Elon Musk is in the midst of a yearlong purge of Liberals from his company; of re-platforming Nazis and race scientists; of a public crusade against Trans people.
And Mark Zuckerberg has chosen now to play footsie with him? It’s like if Bill Gates challenged RFK Jr. to a pickleball match.
Is there anyone inside Facebook who is concerned about how this looks?
Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg have almost everything: Money, fame, access, power.
What neither has is popularity. They are not beloved. They are not even respected. Remember when Elon Musk got roundly booed at a Dave Chapelle show?
Both seem genuinely bewildered by the public’s distaste for them, and both have taken bewildering steps to increase their Q score.
Elon Musk posts stolen memes and smokes pot on the Joe Rogan show. Mark Zuckerberg posts shirtless selfies from his MMA training.
The results are so cringey you have to look at them through your fingers like an eclipse.
These men want so badly to be treated as rock stars. But they are not rock stars.
They are the proprietors of toxic websites that are scrambling the brains of teenagers and Baby Boomers.
They are try-hards. Both Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk, in their own way, are 19-year-olds who still go to high school parties.
I do not want to see either of them win a boxing match.
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The fight — much like Twitter after Musk acquired it — is just so tedious. Every new detail is more mind-numbing than the last. I feel like we are on Season 8 of a Netflix show that stopped being interested around episode 3.
The latest is that Italy’s Fascist Prime Minister apparently agreed to rent out a Roman landmark for Musk and Zuckerberg’s fantasy UFC night.
Good for them; I hope they have fun and take lots of cute photos.
I’m sure some predictable celebrities will show up: Floyd Mayweather, Dana White, Stephen A. Smith, maybe Gronk or Jeremy Piven. There will be a cutesy Sportscenter interview. Video stream numbers will be good enough for both companies to brag about.
And then, God willing, we won’t have to hear about it anymore. Clickbait writers will be assigned to something fresher. Elon Musk will announce he is learning to drive a race car.
Until that merciful day when this is over…Let’s go Herpes, I guess.