The American songstress and poet Jennifer Lopez once wrote, “Let’s get loud.” I am here to report that at least one person has heeded Lopez’s call, and that one person is my 7-month-old daughter Gigi.
When you’re about to become a parent, other parents love to warn you about all the bad stuff to expect. You won’t sleep; you’ll never stop doing laundry; you are about to see so much poo poo, and so much pee pee.
But no one warned me about the Shouting Phase. Every two to three hours my daughter will stare me dead in the eyes and scream as loud as she possibly can. She does not break eye contact. She does not smile or frown. She just shouts.
The cognitive dissonance is wild. She is cute as a bean but she sounds like a war veteran awaking from a PTSD dream. I wanna give her a cigarette and ask her to tell me what she’s seen.
(Movie idea: “PTSD Baby.” A baby is born and Freaky Fridays with a grizzled Iraq War vet. Lead possibilities: Vin Diesel; Casey Affleck).
This is all normal, of course. She is discovering the boundaries of her voice, what her vocal cords are capable of. To do so, she has to shout as though she is in a car careening over a cliff.
Her daycare teachers euphemistically refer to this phase as “singing.” As in, “Gigi has been singing for the last two hours!” or “What a treat! Gigi sang for us today!”
I sort of get it. Have you ever been to a karaoke bar at 2AM and “Sweet Caroline” comes on? That’s basically the pitch, melody, and decibel level we’re dealing with. My neighbors must think I’m running a CIA torture site.
So, if you are an expectant parent, please know that in addition to the puke, poop, and piss, there might come a 4th P that will keep you up at night: Phase of Shouting.
Anyway, that’s what’s happening here in Brooklyn. My daughter loves screaming nonsense for two hours straight. I guess when she grows up she’s going to be a host on Fox News! Folks, we’ve got a great show tonight, Eagle Eye Cherry is here!
And now, here are 5 funny tweets on the theme of “words that sound weird”