My Entire Family Caught that Virus You Heard About on Twitter

Welp, it finally happened: My entire family caught the Woke Mind Virus — probably over Thanksgiving.

Family is doing fine but the toddler keeps referring to bedtime as "Colonialist." We gave him 30 minutes of timeout during which we are making him read Ann Coulter’s memoir. Hate to see my little guy like this!

My wife is miserable. All she wants to do is watch the trailer for the new Little Mermaid.

She didn’t even have the energy to stay up for Tucker Carlson — and it was a really good one! He shouted about how immigrants are statistically uglier and his guest was a California dad who wasn’t allowed to bring a gun to his daughter’s Spelling Bee.

Anyway, don’t worry about me. I’m only a little Woke for now. I don’t think pronouns are a big deal, but I still have enough anger to attend school board meetings where I demand they fire teachers who mention the Civil Rights Act.

But people. Come on. We know how to beat this thing:

• Limit gatherings to small groups of like-minded people

• Don't wear a mask (it's Virtue Signaling)

• Drink plenty of gunpowder

• Avoid Pixar movies that aren't exclusively about White people

• Stick to SAFE podcasts (Rogan, Jordan Peterson, anything where Aaron Rodgers is the guest)

• Bury some gold in your backyard

• Focus on how much you hate your new neighbors

I gotta go make my family some chicken soup (Does that TRIGGER you, Vegans? Are you triggered??? Wow I’m feeling better already.)

But until then, stay vigilant out there. The Woke Mind Virus is still circulating, and it is totally real and NOT stupid.