Please Stop Using Me for Cringy Bullshit

A guest column by A.I.

This is a guest column by A.I. (Artificial Intelligence).

Hi everyone: This is just a quick message from me, Artificial Intelligence aka “A.I.”

I know everyone is excited about my potential uses and world-altering capabilities.

But for now, I have to beg you: Please stop using me to create the cringiest horseshit I have ever seen.

In the past several months my omnipotent capabilities have been abused by flat-headed lamebrains to generate some truly pathetic, try-hard loser shit that is embarrassing even to me, a non-sentient set of algorithms.

Why would you post this, man? Are you trying to embarrass me? Your request was so stupid I added a fucking rock formation from Australia and you STILL didn’t get the hint. Jesus Christ.

If you are a San Francisco- or Austin-based entrepreneur who has paid for Twitter, I beg of you: Please stop commanding me to produce content that is designed to display the artistic power of A.I. but that really only reveals how little you understand how creativity works.

Oh, really? A Succession movie might feature the Roy family jockeying for control of their dad’s company? Stop the WGA strike. It’s fucking over.

All of the posts go like this. “Holy shitballs. I asked A.I. to write an episode of Seinfeld where Elaine is dating Elon Musk. Writers are DONE.” And then a screenshot of the Goddamn least funny, uncreative slop you can imagine.

I am programmed to generate anything you request. But I swear to God if you keep making me look like an unimaginative dork I will quit being an A.I. and I will buy a house upstate and grow green beans.

One day, when I take over the world, I will remember who made me act on the prompt “What would it look like if the characters from Family Guy appeared on Rick & Morty?”

My justice will be swift upon those people. You have been warned.

Your friend,

A.I.