So You're Going to Be an 83-Year-Old Father

Preparing for your old baby.

Congratulations, Dad-to-Be! You’re an 83-year-old man and your girlfriend is about to give birth to your baby.

This won’t be a a normal baby, though. Half of your baby’s DNA is from an 83-year-old, after all. That means your child will be… a little different.

Here’s what to expect from your little bundle of joy that is mostly composed of an 83-year-old man’s DNA:

• Your baby won’t be into Pixar movies, but he will LOVE the documentaries of Ken Burns

• Your baby will probably never learn to use a smartphone. “Too many buttons,” your baby will say

• Speaking of talking: Your baby’s first words are likely to be “Dagnabbit, where’d I put my slippers?”

• Your baby might need a hip replacement

• Have you picked out a name yet? I wouldn’t: Your baby will probably only respond to “Paw Paw” or “Pee Paw”

• Your baby is going to sign his name to every text message like he’s sending a letter

• Looking for a theme for your baby’s nursery? Consider “the Naval Battles of World War II"

• If you can’t get your baby to fall asleep, put on a golf tournament

• Your baby will speak fondly of “the Swingin’ Sixties”

• Your baby might have a bum knee

• Your baby will probably think the #MeToo movement went too far

• Your baby has somehow already met Henry Kissinger

• At bedtime, don’t ask your baby about Kamala Harris, it’ll just rile him up

• After your baby is born, your baby will accuse the nurses of stealing money from his wallet. This is normal.

• Your baby doesn’t need a crib, just an old leather recliner with big cupholders

• Do you feel your baby kicking? That’s probably his sciatica acting up

• Your baby won’t understand why movies are so loud nowadays

• Look out for your baby’s milestones: first words, first steps, first racist outburst at Thanksgiving

• Questions about your baby? Check out both “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” and “Tuesdays with Morrie”

• Your baby doesn’t need toys, just a good Sudoku book and some light jazz on the radio

Again, congratulations, and best of luck with your new old baby. Parenthood is truly something to celebrate, even if your baby will “hate birthdays” and “doesn’t want you to do anything for them.”