The Georgia Trump judge is too young
You shouldn't be a judge if you're not getting your prostate examined
Donald Trump was indicted in Georgia this week, and as I was scanning the news for tasty morsels of schadenfreude, I saw that his case has now been assigned to a judge named Scott McAfee.
Who is this judge, you may wonder? Well:
The judge who has been assigned the sweeping racketeering case against former President Donald Trump and 18 others is a 34-year-old former prosecutor and inspector general who took the bench just six months ago.
Look, I am not a lawyer. I know nothing about the judiciary. I don’t even know where to purchase a gavel. Office Depot? Does Office Depot have gavels?
But I have to say:
A 34-year-old guy who has been a judge for six months hearing a case that could imprison the former president is…insane?
You have to train longer than six months to be a chiropractor, which isn’t even a real job. I feel like he’s going to say “Overruled” at the wrong time, like during a bathroom break.
I am a little older than 34. I am in a fantasy football league where half the team names are puns on the word “boner.” I find it difficult to watch a movie without also checking my email at least 50 times. Many of my high school classmates are dog-walkers who “still haven’t figured it out yet.”
I lack the maturity, patience, and life perspective to oversee a federal case involving the President, and so does Scott McAfee.
The Atlanta Journal-Constitution has an article about this suddenly very important judge. Here is how they describe him:
Scott McAfee is… an award-winning trial lawyer, a veteran musician and an athlete who has volunteered as a scuba diver with the Georgia Aquarium. He was appointed to be a Fulton County Superior Court judge by Republican Gov. Brian Kemp.
He is a musician and he loves to SCUBA? Is this a Hinge profile? Is this motherfucker gonna ignore oral arguments because he’s swiping right?
Don’t worry, though. If the fact that Judge McAfee is SCUBA-certified does not sway you, please know that this young jurist comes highly recommended by a dude he plays tennis with:
“He is probably the best person I can think of to handle this case fairly and efficiently,” said Alex Stewart, a longtime friend who competes on McAfee’s Atlanta Lawn Tennis Association team. “I have high hopes and feel good about his ability to be objective in this case as well and not fold to pressure from either side.”
“I have never seen this man call a serve ‘out’ when it was ‘in.’ He is ready for the most high-profile case in American history.”
The rest of the article does feature praise from McAfee’s fellow lawyers, who describe him as “tough” and “super smart” and “a great mixed doubles partner.” (Just kidding).
And there is evidence that in his brief time as a judge he has….seen some shit:
McAfee’s even temperament was on display in early June when he presided over a hearing on whether to find retired Atlanta lawyer Lin Wood in contempt for violating a court order in a suit filed against him by former law partners. Wood, an election denier who rose to national prominence as a libel lawyer, represented himself.
McAfee patiently allowed Wood to have his say. During his rambling defense, Wood leveled unfounded accusations, saying his former partners were affiliated with a CIA operative and had conspired with one of Wood’s children to have him undergo a mental health evaluation by the daytime TV talk show host “Dr. Phil.” In the end, McAfee found Wood in contempt and ordered him to pay $5,000 in fines.
Inspiring. McAfee is clearly one of the premier minds in the burgeoning field of Dr. Phil case law.
I think I speak for everyone when I say that, if there is a way for the Trump RICO case to invoke Dr. Phil, it should happen. Zoom him in at the end of each trial day and let him interview Rudy Giuliani for 20 minutes. I’d stream that on Paramount+.
But anyway: Forget Scott McAfee’s legal credentials or politics.
The man is 34 years old. It’s too young to be hearing a case of this magnitude. TOO YOUNG, I say!!
This man should not be hearing cases involving the ex-President. This man should be getting shit-faced at a Buffalo Wild Wings while he laments to his friends that his wife wants a baby soon.
I am from Georgia. The 34-year-old men who live in Georgia that I know get way too drunk during college football games. They talk endlessly about smoking meats in their Big Green Egg. I wouldn’t trust any of them to umpire a Little League game.
Obviously Scott McAfee is a Conservative, which means that, even though he is 34, he is spiritually 48.
Being an outspoken teenage Republican makes you age quicker than is biologically natural.
Look at Ted Cruz, who is 52. Look at Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who is 41. Look at Stephen Miller, who is THIRTY-SEVEN. Reading the National Review at a young age wrecks your skin and thins your hair.
Attending the RNC should carry a Surgeon General’s warning. “Do not enter unless you want to be a 24-year-old with a Widow’s peak.”
Can we get a 55-year-old in the judge’s seat? Someone who remembers watching Dallas on TV? Someone who can’t convert a Word doc to PDF?
As a 30-something, I don’t trust these 30-something judges. I know how immature and flighty our brains are. I’ve opened TikTok 8 times while writing his.
And we are beset on all sides by these Millennial judges. The Trump judge that ruled the CDC couldn’t institute a mask mandate was 35. The Senate just confirmed a 37-year-old to District Court in Washington.
Both sides are hunting for younger and younger jurists who will rule in courts until the presidency of Barron Trump III. Mitch McConnell is gonna start recruiting his final crop of District Judges at the maternity ward. If Trump gets indicted again, his judge might sentence him to goo goo gaga.
The answer, obviously, is Term Limits. Term Limits means you do not need to search for judicial candidates at TopGolf. It also means our legal system would not be saddled by moldy fussbuckets who are drunk on power and career immunity. Not naming names.
I wish 34-year-old Judge Scott McAfee all the luck in the world, both with the Trump case and in the Fall tennis season.
Here’s hoping he — or some other Millennial judge — screws up hard enough that both political parties are like, “Yeah, we should do term limits for these guys.”
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