The Horny Singles in Your Area Files
Get ready for the most explosive exposé in the history of Substack.
THE HORNY SINGLES IN YOUR AREA FILES
For decades, I’ve received web-based advertisements offering to connect me with “horny singles in [my] area.” I was repeatedly assured that these single, horny women were “within 5 miles” and “ready to chat.”
On October 3, 2022 the South African entrepreneur, visionary, and forever-chemical billionaire Aron Stank purchased Horny Singles in Your Area Incorporated for $87 billion.
Stank gave me unfettered access to the backend of Horny Singles in Your Area Inc.
I am now prepared to shed light on tightly-held secrets. This is an epic tale of a Brobdingnagian company which once boasted the lofty mission statement to “instantly connect anyone with lusty MILFs in your immediate area.”
One can only conclude that this company does not live up to its promise.
The premise of Horny Singles in Your Area is simple: The service offers users the opportunity to freely communicate with attractive, horned-up nymphomaniacs within a certain location radius, all for free.
REVEALED: A typical advertisement. For instance, I was recently in Buckhead, Georgia for a conference on how chemtrails were turning college athletes trans. A pop-up ad informed me that there were 73 horny singles in my area that “wanted to meet and strocke [sic]” me.
I instantly clicked the link and was prompted to input my credit card information.
Based on my decades of training as an investigative journalist and committed skeptic, I declined to do so and instantly threw my laptop out the window.
Unfortunately my laptop struck a pedestrian in the cranium.
Her condition was recently upgraded to “stable.”
Recently, I reviewed the internal logs and was able to locate my query from that night in Buckhead, Georgia, when I was tantalized by intercourse with a local horny single.
I can now report that the only horny single in the area…was me.
Internal logs had branded me as a “gullible loser” and “divorced cuck” with a “stupid haircut” who had “lost it all in multiple pyramid schemes.”
Yet when I checked the internal logs for movie star Idris Elba, it used NONE of these descriptors.
Horny Singles in Your Area Inc. holds a sacred duty in our nation. They wield influence over procreation, matrimony, elections, and of course, horniness.
It is no exaggeration to say that code changes in Horny Singles in Your Area could have singlehandedly swung the most recent presidential election in either direction. I’m not just talking about America; I’m talking about in any country.
Horny Singles in Your Area is, in many ways, more important than the Bible.
This 47-part series will explore how Horny Singles in Your Area repeatedly enticed users like me with images of big-boobied super-MILFs who were not, contrary to the ad copy, “ready to lunge on your throbbing mamber [sic].”
A crack team of journalists and I have been working around the clock in our command center at the Charles Koch School of Journalistic Integrity on the campus of Oakley Wraparound Sunglasses University.
Our work has appeared at some of the finest news institutions in America, including The New York Times (2017), The Hill (2018), Breitbart (2019), Dinesh D’Souza’s podcast (2020), MyPillow.com/Journalism (2021), and Twitter (2022).
REVEALED: Amanda23 is not single; Jane 69 was not 1 miles away; and Latin Beauty xx was anything but horny. Up until now the internal mechanics of Horny Singles in Your Area have remained a closely-guarded secret, locked away in darkness like a kidnapping victim in a sex dungeon.
This investigation is nonpartisan. But it will prove that Horny Singles in Your Area almost exclusively targeted lonely men who were visiting hardcore pornography websites.
It also explores the possibility that certain users were “shadowbanned,” or prevented from chatting with the Horny Singles in Their Area.
Despite promises of “desperate sex fiends” within “0.3 miles,” many users I spoke with never once “exploded within 10 minutes.”
The Subaru-driving cognoscenti laughed off the possibility that certain men were being systematically denied access to sex-starved nymphos. A cursory look at our data proves otherwise.
Please subscribe for the next 46 installments. We will not rest until the former executives of Horny Singles in Your Area are either arrested, deported, or afraid to go out in public.
We want to make sure they never prevent another American from meeting a single horny local ever again.
