The NYPD's Budget Isn't Big Enough
My Monday column for the New York Times.
Every week I will attempt to write a column that will one day appear in the New York Times by one of their terrible Right-wing writers.
I will do this until I get bored or until the NYT pays me $900,000 a year to actually write the column.
This….is Rightward Lurch.
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In April, Mayor Eric Adams revealed that his new budget for New York City included $5 billion for the NYPD. Many commentators on the Left complained about how much the city was spending on its police force.
For once, I agree with my Liberal colleagues. The size of the NYPD budget is wrong.
It should be higher. Much higher.
According to my Twitter followers who live in Florida, New York City is the most dangerous it has ever been.
The sidewalks of Times Square overflow with machete-wielding orphans. Any given subway car is more dangerous than the Syrian battlefield. At a recent dinner in Greenwich Village, a friend reported seeing not one but seven warlords carrying bazookas.
All of which is to say: The police need more money.
Think of the psychic damage you would do if every New York City police officer wore Gucci loafers. The criminals would see those swagged-out cops and eliminate their plans to rape and pillage.
The NYPD has outlined reasonable ways it would spend an extra $7 to $9 billion: Bluetooth handcuffs; Walkie Talkies that get SiriusXM; Staff Tattoo Artists; hoverboard training.
But there is so much more New York could do for its cops if the city simply ceased to have libraries.
In order to maximize public safety, for example, all cops deserve to park for free. An extra $200 million per year would allow every precinct to buy a nearby grocery store, raze it to the ground, and install an NYPD-only parking lot.
And what about new crime-fighting technologies? The NYPD wants to invest in shrink ray technology, to miniaturize officers and place them inside those locked-up deodorant cabinets in Walgreens.
Herodotus once wrote, “Of all possessions, a friend is the most precious.” I don’t know what that has to do with this column, but it felt important to include a quote by an Ancient Greek.
Giving cops the money they need to land a police cruiser on the moon by 2029 will entail some painful cuts. Potholes are just gonna be a way of life for awhile. Public school will need to be 8th grade only. If you want to check out a book, drive to Connecticut.
I can already hear my Liberal colleagues howling. “This is ridiculous! What a stupid argument! This guy keeps inserting Herodotus quotes into his columns for no reason!”
But think about this: Would you give the NYPD an extra $10 billion if it meant world peace?
Even my Bernie Bro friends would have to admit that is a bargain.
Jason O. Gilbert is the Richard Sackler Professor of Public Thought Leadership at George Mason University.