Does anyone else think the ocean is mad at us?
The last few months have been filled with disasters involving the sea: orcas attacking yachts; submarines disappearing; the live-action remake of The Little Mermaid.
Perhaps it’s all related. Maybe the Sea Gods saw what they did to Flounder and were like “It’s time to destroy some rich people’s boats.”
Or it could be any number of ways humans are disturbing our waterways: climate change, chemical dumping, overfishing, those cruise ships with roller coasters on them.
You think Poseidon enjoys a floating Disney World disturbing his sleep every night? What if your new neighbors were 8,000 drunk Americans screaming the Cha Cha Slide?
You might start f*cking up their boat, is what.
The sea is angry, my friends. It is out for blood — the richer the better. If David Geffen invited me on his yacht this summer, I would take out a life insurance policy first. I would shove a GPS beacon up my asshole in case I got stranded when an orca inevitably disturbed our champagne brunch.
One trend that I definitely did not see coming is that “being a rich person on a yacht” is now an extreme sport. Remember Andy Samberg’s “I’m On a Boat”? We need a slowed-down, reverbed version of that song like they do for horror movie trailers.
What about whale-watching? It was once the most boring excursion you could do on a beach vacation. Your aunt who loves to knit was always asking if anyone wanted to do it.
Forget whale-watching. Now the whales are watching you. Your whale-watching trip could turn into an impromptu swimming contest at any moment.
Perhaps it is time that we, as humans, turn our attention to other biomes. Let’s explore the deserts a little. Sand is pretty cool. Also, I highly doubt our all-terrain vehicles are going to get wrecked by an irate pod of camels.
Everyone is clowning on the rich guy for building a stupid submarine that you control with a Wiimote. And yeah, I haven’t seen a sub this bad since the lat time I went to Blimpie. (Sorry).
BUT WHAT IF this is just the ocean taking its revenge on us for decades of mistreatment, hm? The ocean is not supposed to be a Forever Chemical dumping ground.
Do you people not know what happens when chemicals are poured on to a living thing? Have we already forgotten the lessons of The Toxic Avenger?
Look: The sea is haunted. It is cursed. Here be dragons. Let’s leave it alone for a little bit. Dock your yacht, David Geffen, or you will be next.
I leave you with the prophetic words of The Lonely Island featuring T-Pain, which contain new resonance in this age of rampant boat attacks.
We running this, they boast — but are we? God bless us all, and good luck out there.