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Transcript: Ron DeSantis talks to Elon Musk on Twitter Spaces
I got the transcript a day early.
ELON MUSK: We are here with Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. Governor, thank you for being here on Twitter Spaces.
RON DESANTIS: Thank you. My pronouns are I’m/Excited.
ELON MUSK: Ha ha.
(35 seconds of awkward silence)
ELON MUSK: The FBI is run by a Jew, yes?
RON DESANTIS (straight to camera): Elon, in Florida, we don’t allow litter boxes in classrooms.
ELON MUSK: That is so important.
RON DESANTIS: Because of Wokeness.
ELON MUSK: We are going to take a question from a journalist in the chat.
RON DESANTIS: Great.
ELON MUSK: This is Tom from The Babylon Bee.
RON DESANTIS: Hi, Tim.
TOM FROM THE BABYLON BEE: Mr. DeSantis. You are currently the Governor of Florida. But do you identify as the President of the United States?
(30 seconds of uncomfortable silence)
ELON MUSK: Ha ha. Ooh, identify, like for Gender.
RON DESANTIS (angry): We don’t allow litter boxes in classrooms.
ELON MUSK: That’s so important, too.
RON DESANTIS: I’m thirsty. Do you mind if I drink a beer?
(He cracks open a Coors Light)
RON DESANTIS (extremely rehearsed): When we win in 2024, we will not be celebrating with Bud Light, I’ll tell ya that much.
ELON MUSK (nodding) : That is the Woke Beer.
(Desantis takes one sip of Coors Light and visibly grimaces)
RON DESANTIS: Someone take this away from me.
ELON MUSK: Maybe you could talk a little bit about why you are running for President?
RON: DESANTIS: Sure. Can I relate an anecdote?
ELON MUSK: One second. The feed crashed. Our Head of Streaming Video is actually a raccoon.
RON DESANTIS: I’m actually in a fight with a raccoon, named Mickey Mouse.
ELON MUSK (visibly angry at a raccoon): I’m going to take away your Immigrant Visa.
RON DESANTIS: Elon, when I am President, all government employees will be forced to subscribe to Twitter Blue. The cost will come straight out of their paychecks.
ELON MUSK: Wow. That is so great for Free Speech.
RON DESANTIS: Also we’re going to turn every Veteran’s Hospital into a UFC arena.
ELON MUSK: Do you have Grimes’ phone number?
RON DESANTIS (laughing way, way too loudly): I don’t identify as a phone book!
ELON MUSK: We are going to pick one Twitter Blue subscriber at random to ask you a question.
RON DESANTIS (as stiff as possible): Twitter Blue subscribers are patriots. Thank you.
ELON MUSK: Okay, the winner is Pepe the Lib Killer.
PEPE THE LIB KILLER: Thank you so much, Elon. President DeSantis, can we bring back public executions in the town square, where the blood of the nonbelievers runs through the streets as a warning to all who might show faithlessness in the Constitution and God’s Laws?
RON DESANTIS (disturbingly enthusiastic): Yes. Yes, we can.
ELON MUSK: Okay, um…That is all the bandwidth we can afford without selling more Tesla stock.
RON DESANTIS (pained look on his face as though he is passing a kidney stone): This was so fun.
ELON MUSK: Thank you Governor. Let’s keep talking about building a one-lane tunnel from Daytona Beach to the Everglades.
RON DESANTIS (off-camera): Someone get me a Perrier, that Coors Light tasted like coal miner’s piss.
ELON MUSK: Um. I fired the guy who knows how to end these things, can everyone please just log off.
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