Transcript: Ron DeSantis talks to Elon Musk on Twitter Spaces

I got the transcript a day early.

ELON MUSK: We are here with Florida Governor Ron DeSantis. Governor, thank you for being here on Twitter Spaces.

RON DESANTIS: Thank you. My pronouns are I’m/Excited.

ELON MUSK: Ha ha.

(35 seconds of awkward silence)

ELON MUSK: The FBI is run by a Jew, yes?

RON DESANTIS (straight to camera): Elon, in Florida, we don’t allow litter boxes in classrooms.

ELON MUSK: That is so important.

RON DESANTIS: Because of Wokeness.

ELON MUSK: We are going to take a question from a journalist in the chat.

RON DESANTIS: Great.

ELON MUSK: This is Tom from The Babylon Bee.

RON DESANTIS: Hi, Tim.

TOM FROM THE BABYLON BEE: Mr. DeSantis. You are currently the Governor of Florida. But do you identify as the President of the United States?

(30 seconds of uncomfortable silence)

ELON MUSK: Ha ha. Ooh, identify, like for Gender.

RON DESANTIS (angry): We don’t allow litter boxes in classrooms.

ELON MUSK: That’s so important, too.

RON DESANTIS: I’m thirsty. Do you mind if I drink a beer?

(He cracks open a Coors Light)

RON DESANTIS (extremely rehearsed): When we win in 2024, we will not be celebrating with Bud Light, I’ll tell ya that much.

ELON MUSK (nodding) : That is the Woke Beer.

(Desantis takes one sip of Coors Light and visibly grimaces)

RON DESANTIS: Someone take this away from me.

ELON MUSK: Maybe you could talk a little bit about why you are running for President?

RON: DESANTIS: Sure. Can I relate an anecdote?

ELON MUSK: One second. The feed crashed. Our Head of Streaming Video is actually a raccoon.

RON DESANTIS: I’m actually in a fight with a raccoon, named Mickey Mouse.

ELON MUSK (visibly angry at a raccoon): I’m going to take away your Immigrant Visa.

RON DESANTIS: Elon, when I am President, all government employees will be forced to subscribe to Twitter Blue. The cost will come straight out of their paychecks.

ELON MUSK: Wow. That is so great for Free Speech.

RON DESANTIS: Also we’re going to turn every Veteran’s Hospital into a UFC arena.

ELON MUSK: Do you have Grimes’ phone number?

RON DESANTIS (laughing way, way too loudly): I don’t identify as a phone book!

ELON MUSK: We are going to pick one Twitter Blue subscriber at random to ask you a question.

RON DESANTIS (as stiff as possible): Twitter Blue subscribers are patriots. Thank you.

ELON MUSK: Okay, the winner is Pepe the Lib Killer.

PEPE THE LIB KILLER: Thank you so much, Elon. President DeSantis, can we bring back public executions in the town square, where the blood of the nonbelievers runs through the streets as a warning to all who might show faithlessness in the Constitution and God’s Laws?

RON DESANTIS (disturbingly enthusiastic): Yes. Yes, we can.

ELON MUSK: Okay, um…That is all the bandwidth we can afford without selling more Tesla stock.

RON DESANTIS (pained look on his face as though he is passing a kidney stone): This was so fun.

ELON MUSK: Thank you Governor. Let’s keep talking about building a one-lane tunnel from Daytona Beach to the Everglades.

RON DESANTIS (off-camera): Someone get me a Perrier, that Coors Light tasted like coal miner’s piss.

ELON MUSK: Um. I fired the guy who knows how to end these things, can everyone please just log off.