$8/month: Standard Twitter Blue, with blue checkmark, etc.
$15: Elon Musk will reply to any of your tweets with “😂”
$17: Elon Musk will reply to any of your tweets with “Exactly”
$19: Elon Musk will reply to any of your tweets with “So few understand this”
$25: Choose any Taylor Lorenz tweet and Twitter will reverse engineer a reason why it violates the Terms of Service
$29: Hate a former Twitter employee? Elon will publicly insinuate that they run a pedophile ring
$33: Choose any day of the month to get “#THEJEWS” trending
$37: We’ll give you the address of wherever Jack Dorsey is doing a silent meditation retreat so that you can call him a terrorist in person
$41: Twitter user CatTurd will serve as a reference at your upcoming custody battle
$43: Choose any topic and Matt Taibbi will write a 97-tweet thread about why it is worse than Pearl Harbor
$45: Your verified badge will appear as a solid-gold swastika
$47: We’ll give you Adam Schiff’s home address
$49: Personal training session with Judicial Watch CEO Tom Fitton
$51: You can identify as an attack helicopter 😂😂😂
$54: Are you in college? Bari Weiss will get your least favorite professor fired
$57: You can personally light $100 of Elon Musk’s money on fire
$60: You can be CEO. Please. We need this