USA World Cup Preview: It All Comes Down to Pulisic's Netherlands
The USA plays the Netherlands in a sudden death knockout game on Saturday. The game starts at 10AM, and it represents the best excuse for Americans to start drinking during breakfast in almost a decade.
America’s star player is Christian Pulisic, or as I call him, Chrissy Poo. Unfortunately, Chrissy Poo was hurt in our most recent match after he dove testicles-first into the opposing goalie. Somehow this is not the soccer move known as a “nutmeg,” but it should be.
Unlike most injuries in soccer, this one was real. Pulisic tried to walk it off but no, his manhood was broken. It took awhile to get a physician to inspect Pulisic’s genitals because that is a felony in Qatar.
Do you know why genital doctors have the worst hours? Because they work around the cock. And that’s exactly what team doctors have been doing in an attempt to get Pulisic ready for tomorrow’s big game.
Will Pulisic’s nether lands (body part) be ready for the game against the Netherlands (country)? That is the big question. Indeed, this is the most closely watched storyline involving an American penis besides whatever is going on with Pete Davidson.
The Netherlands is (are?) dealing with health issues of their own. Apparently a lot of their players are experiencing flu-like symptoms. This is probably due to the Dutch sleeping arrangements, which, as I understand them, involve farting under the covers on each other.
As American politician and immunological scientist Marjorie Taylor Greene has observed, this is a great way to pass on germs:
Unfortunately, no one on the Netherlands has injured their crotch. If I’m the US, I’m looking to change that in the first few minutes of the game. Put Air Bud in the game and spread some peanut butter on the Dutch goalkeeper’s Umbros. This is a must-win game.
One other thing the US could do? If one of our players gets a yellow card, they can turn to a Dutch player and go, “Hey, we’re splitting this, right?” Might get a chuckle.
In the end, the Dutch squad has the advantage of “being a country where people care about soccer,” and, knowing Dutch people, all of their players are probably 6’7 and very nice.
That will be difficult for the US to overcome, whether our star player’s testicular wound has healed or not.
My prediction: Netherlands wins. Netherlands gets 2 goals, USA gets 1, I get 4 beers before noon.