What Gets You Arrested in Florida?
A tale of two "Crimes."
How do you get arrested in Florida?
I’m not asking because it’s a life goal of mine. My bucket list is not:
- run a marathon
- visit Tokyo
- get gonorrhea from a Tallahassee prison toilet
Rather: There are two stories from the past month that got me thinking about arrests in Florida….Namely, what will get you arrested, and what will not.
What Will Get You Arrested in Florida
One thing that will get you arrested in Florida is accidentally voting when you are technically not eligible.
Due to “valid concerns” about “mass voter fraud” which is “definitely real” and not “faker than the age Matt Gaetz lists on his Tinder,” Ron DeSantis laced up his thigh-high boots and pledged to bring down the full stiletto heel of the law on anyone attempting to befoul Florida’s elections.
And so he did! He established an “Office of Election Crimes.” And boy did they hit the ground running…like a man in high heels on cobblestone.
Florida has more than 14 million registered voters. In its first year, the OEC arrested something like 40 people for voting when they weren’t eligible.
In many cases, these people had registered to vote and even received a valid voter ID card from Ron DeSantis’ government.
Which feels a bit like a bait-and-switch! It’s like looking at this picture and thinking you’re about to see a little boy yodel in Wal-Mart — but no, it’s just the governor of Florida.
Anyway, mistakenly voting even after the government gave you permission will get you arrested in Florida. The Washington Post documented one such case and boy, I bet every Floridian feels safer knowing that this guy was brought to justice:
The fallout came fast when Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis’s new election police unit charged Peter Washington with voter fraud last summer as part of a crackdown against felons who’d allegedly broken the law by casting a ballot.
The Orlando resident lost his job supervising irrigation projects, and along with it, his family’s health insurance. His wife dropped her virtual classes at Florida International University to help pay their rent. Future plans went out the window.
….
But not long after, the case against Washington began falling apart. A judge from Florida’s Ninth Judicial Circuit ruled the statewide prosecutor who filed the charges didn’t have jurisdiction to do so. Washington’s attorney noted that he had received an official voter identification card in the mail after registering. The case was dismissed in February.
Damn! Case got tossed faster than a Florida history book that implies slavery was bad.
And by the way, if you’re thinking, ‘This Office of Election Crimes seems like a bigger waste of Florida taxpayer dollars than an Office of Igloo Construction,” then…you wouldn’t be the governor.
Because Ron DeSantis is tripling the budget of the Election Crime office to $3.1 million this year!
Seriously, guys? $3.1 million? Even Ron DeSantis’ boot heels think that’s too high.
This office made less than 50 arrests IN A YEAR. Cops in pornos have a higher clearance rate than that.
But look, I get it. You have to uphold the rule of law in your state. You have to make people feel safe. Which brings us to…
What Will Not Get You Arrested in the State of Florida
Florida is a free state, you know? You can mostly do what you want. If you and your Congressman buddy allegedly funnel money to out-of-state teen prostitutes, only one of you is gonna get arrested — and let’s be honest, it’s not gonna be the guy who has the power to write laws about funneling money to out-of-state teen prostitutes.
Or, like, let’s say a delivery driver pulls into your driveway, but he has the wrong address. You should feel free to act in a manner that is totally proportional to the danger of the situation, like this guy:
A man in South Florida shot at the car of two people who drove onto his property after they got lost trying to drop off an Instacart order, police said, leaving the car with bullet holes and a flat tire.
According to a report released by the Davie Police Department, 19-year-old Waldes Thomas Jr. and 18-year-old Diamond Harley Darville were attempting to deliver an Instacart grocery order on the evening of April 15 but were having trouble locating the address of the person who placed the order.
Caccavale's 12-year-old son approached them, and they said they tried to reverse out of the property and struck a boulder. They told investigators that was when Caccavale then aggressively approached the vehicle and grabbed at the driver's side window.
Thomas began driving the gray Honda Civic away when they heard three gunshots.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: This is the kind of shoot-first attitude that would play perfectly in the Office of Election Crimes.
And good news! This upstanding Floridian who bravely protected his property from the tyranny of Driveway U-Turns is walking free:
Police said in the report that it was unclear if a crime had occurred. "Each party appear justified in their actions based on the circumstances they perceived," police said.
I’m sorry, huh? What??? The guy who went John Wick on a Publix bag was justified? What did he think was in that Instacart order, a time bomb?
***
You can learn a lot about a State’s priorities based on what they will and will not arrest you for.
Obviously I’m a Succession-watching Pro Publica-reading Leftist Liberal Lib, but there’s a large part of me that feels like “accidentally voting after the government said you were eligible” is not as big a threat as “shooting to kill when Domino’s gets the wrong address.”
Like if you gave me $3.1 million to stop one or the other… I don’t know, I gotta go with stopping the guys who might accidentally kill a Girl Scout dropping off cookies?
I mean, I’d tell Ron DeSantis to walk a mile in both of these guy’s shoes but…you know…the governor’s feet must be killing him.