Sorry I haven’t sent out a newsletter in a while. I was sick this week, but I’m better now and ready to work.
Speaking of: Senator John Fetterman of Pennsylvania was also sick (he had a stroke) but is now recovering. He disappeared for awhile but he has returned to the Senate, with a new mustache.
This has made him the subject of a small but incredible right-wing conspiracy theory: That the Senator John Fetterman we see today is not the same John Fetterman that was on the campaign trail, but rather….a CLONE.
CUE THE CREEPY JORDAN PEELE SOUNDTRACK:
As many scholars have noted, John Fetterman is unlikely to be a clone. For one thing, the technology to clone human beings does not exist. It takes like 900 days to 3D print a Lego. Can you imagine how long it would take to clone Fetterman, who is 6 feet 8 inches tall?
It would be cool if John Fetterman was a clone, because then we would just have a Prestige room full of John Fettermans. Fetterman-10937 could run for Pennsylvania Governor; Fetterman-28736 could establish residence in Wisconsin and run against Ron Johnson.
Forget expanding the Supreme Court. The Democrats could expand the Fetter-verse. There could be a woman John Fetterman, a Hispanic Juan Fetterman. John Fetterman could be BOTH Pennsylvania Senators, and all 87,000 John Fetterman clones who live in Pennsylvania could vote for him.
Unfortunately the keys to cloning technology are not in the hands of John Podesta and the DNC. There is only one John Fetterman (for now) and he is the same John Fetterman as the guy who beat Dr. Oz in an election last year.
But this got me wondering: Which Senator is most likely to be a clone? Here are my picks.
Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
Cloning technology is new, and you would expect any clone to have weird glitches.
Have you seen a Mitch McConnell press conference lately? He keeps freezing like a Google Chrome page running Flash.
This is something I would imagine a first-generation clone would do. If this Mitch is a clone, you know the scientists who created him are watching the press conferences like, ‘Shit, it’s staring off into space again. Let’s throw this one in the incinerator and hope for a better result in Version 3.0’
Jon Ossoff (D-GA)
When I imagine clones, I imagine Agent Smith from The Matrix: A million identical looking white guys in suits who are so generic they could literally be any guy who works in corporate insurance and lives in the suburbs.
Go to happy hour in the Midtown of any large city and you will see 10,000 of this man. You probably have a cousin who is dating this man. Honestly his name is probably something like “John Ossoff.”
If you asked this man for a fond memory from kindergarten there is a good chance he would not be able to give you one. Jon Ossoff is both the first Jewish Senator from Georgia and the first Senator who could not pass the Blade Runner Voight-Kampff test.
I am onto you, Ossoff.
Josh Hawley (R-MO)
Let’s combine the top two stipulations, that early-generation clones are likely generic-looking but also prone to errors in appearance and cognition.
Josh Hawley looks like they tried to clone Jon Ossoff but halfway through one of the wires caught fire.
I would also stipulate that clones often turn out to be evil. Somewhere in Missouri there is a Josh Hawley (Original) who respects democratic elections and isn’t all that bothered by trans people. His forehead is also a normal size.
Markwayne Mullin (R-OK)
Markwayne Mullin is a new Senator from Oklahoma, and I’m including him here because of his name. It sounds like something a clone would say if you asked his name and he momentarily forgot.
“My name? It’s, uh…Mark…no, Wayne….no, Markwayne. Yes! My name is Markwayne.”
Get the fuck outta here, clone.
Ted Cruz (R-TX)
If I were a cloning scientist and I fucked up the chin of my clone, you know what I would do? I would make him grow a big stupid beard to cover up my mistake:
Shave that thing off and I guarantee you will see exposed jawbone and a serial number.
Amy Klobuchar (D-MN)
You expect a fair amount of un-human, confounding behavior from a clone, right? You come into the world from the cloning bed and you have to figure out how humans use certain objects, and by golly you are going to make some mistakes at first. Speaking of which:
Sorry, but that’s clone behavior. No human raised by other humans would think to do this.
The natural human brain does not think, “Ah, an object with tines! Perhaps this is also CLASSIFICATION: EATING UTENSIL.” A cloned human brain, however? Yeah, I could see thinking it’s okay to eat Sweetgreen with a comb.
Roger Marshall (R-KS)
This guy’s a clone. Teeth are a dead giveaway.
Rand Paul (R-KY)
This is my number one pick. A Libertarian is the political alignment most likely to clone themselves. If you are Libertarian, you are selfish, arrogant, and interested in fringe theories and sciences. You are also, generally, a weird little guy.
In other words, the perfect candidate to respond to a Craigslist ad looking for volunteers to clone yourself in a guy’s garage.
Rand Paul looks like he always just got electrocuted, which is perhaps a result of being fresh out of the clone machine every morning?
Also, we know that Rand Paul is confrontational; an argument with his neighbor ended with Paul getting the shit beaten out of him.
Just based on his personality, I would be unsurprised if Rand Paul has been murdered 7 or 8 times. I am certain that every waitress Rand Paul has ever had ended the meal with a desire to kill him. Have you ever had a long meal with a Libertarian? Rand Paul probably gets murdered every Thanksgiving.
It seems at least plausible that the Senator Rand Paul we see today is Clone Number 9 or 10. If he gets in a dispute over a parking spot this weekend with the wrong guy, we could be looking at Rand Paul #11 on Monday.
*
Thank you for reading JOG Blog, a blog written by me, the original Jason O. Gilbert. I promise I am not, to my knowledge, a clone. If I was, this would be a daily newsletter, but alas: Unlike Rand Paul, there is only one of me.