Right now, I’d predict that no one is going to defeat Donald Trump for the GOP nomination.
This is the current state of the presidential race: We are in minute 35 of a Jackie Chan movie, and a bunch of no-name henchmen (Chris Christie, Arkansas Gov. Asa Hutchinson) are rushing at him one at a time with their machetes, only for Jackie Chan to easily dispatch them with a broomstick or whatever.
And there are so many hopeless henchmen who have no chance of taking down Jackie Chan! There’s Mike Pence and Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley and Tim Scott, of course.
But there are so many that I didn’t even know were running! And I watch the news for a living!
For example, Michigan businessman Perry Johnson is running. Does that name sound familiar?
It’s because he tried to run for governor of Michigan last year but was disqualified for using fake voter signatures on his application.
He spent $7 million of his own money just to get DQed at the starting line and now he is back for more humiliation. He looks like a man who always has a pocketful of Werther’s Caramels that he offers to children at the grocery store. I would like to see this man on the debate stage against Donald Trump.
Did you know that the current governor of North Dakota is running against Donald Trump for President? Do you know who that is? Here are 4 fake names and one real one. See if you can guess who the Governor of North Dakota is:
Doug Burgum. Gordon Jeffs. Ron Thrugg. Gulch Johnson.
The answer? You’ll have to keep reading.
Look, Donald Trump is not going to lose to any of these people. Chris Christie has a better chance of winning the Iditarod.
But sometimes it’s fun to do a thought experiment. Like, it makes me laugh to imagine a wiener dog speaking perfect French. The wiener dog is wearing a little beret. Think about it. It’s funny, right?
Okay, now imagine Donald Trump having to concede the nomination to Mike Pence.
Hahahaha. It’s funny, right?
Without further ado, here are the Republicans it would be funniest for Donald Trump to lose the nomination to, in descending order.
#8: North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum
Do you know who this is? I guarantee you that Donald Trump doesn’t either. “Doug Burgum” sounds like the sound my stomach makes when I’m hungry. It sounds like a name you can spell backwards in a horror movie to reveal the name of the Devil.
The little boy from The Shining could have said “DOUG BURGUM!” when he was possessed by an evil spirit. This man has no chance, but it would be kind of funny to watch Trump, extreme confusion on his face, concede to him.
I also like that one of the links on his website is “Why Doug?” It sounds like a question Republicans are asking. Why, Doug? Why???
#7: Former Arkansas Gov. Asa Hutchinson
Asa Hutchinson is one of two guys running as anti-Trump candidates. He thinks Trump is immoral and not fit to be President. He has major JEB! vibes.
Here is what Trump said about Asa Hutchinson a week ago: 'I call him Ada Hutchinson. I don’t call him Asa, I call him Ada Hutchinson, for some reason for certain reasons, but this guy nobody knows who the hell he is.'
It would be funny to see Trump lose to a man who wasn’t even worth a nickname.
“Should we come up with a nickname for Asa Hutchinson?”
“Nah, let’s just call him Ada. Who cares.”
#6: South Carolina Senator Tim Scott
This man is pretty obviously only running so that he can lose and then be named Donald Trump’s vice president, so it would be pretty funny to see him accidentally defeat Trump.
Tim Scott refuses to say anything bad about Donald Trump. He is terrified of angering him. It’s like he owes Trump money. Donald Trump could intentionally run over Tim Scott in his limo and Tim Scott would somehow blame Woke College Professors.
If Tim Scott won the nomination he would probably try to re-gift it to Trump like an unwanted Christmas present. If that failed he would renounce his American citizenship to become ineligible.
Tim Scott is a trembling bowling pin of a man and I would like to be in the room when he finds out that Donald Trump is choosing Kristi Noem as his running mate.
#5: Ron DeSantis
This would be funny for one second before it became horrifying.
However: If Trump loses to this charmless sociopath it will be because he did not use “Meatball Ron” as a nickname. I can’t explain it but every day that goes on, Ron DeSantis’s Meatball vibes become more and more pronounced.
Everytime this man enters a room I think “Wow, this guy’s a freaking meatball.” He is also starting to look like Meatwad in a suit.
#4: Vivek Ramaswamy
Does this man think he can win, or does he just enjoy the free Fiji water in the Hannity green room? Hard to say.
But Vivek Ramaswamy is constantly on Fox News. He is on their airwaves more than those commercials for commemorative coins.
I have no idea what he is saying on air but he is still only polling at around 1%, which is pretty unimpressive for a man who is constantly on television. Dude is losing in the polls to Young Sheldon. Republicans are not impressed with you, my man. TRUTH.
It would be kind of funny to watch Trump, who was unqualified to be President, lose to a man who is even more unqualified than he was. What if Republican voters just keep on choosing less and less qualified candidates until one day, finally, they just nominate a gun?
Bonus points: Watching Trump, age 78, attempt to pronounce the name “Vivek Ramaswamy.”
#3: Chris Christie
Chris Christie has entered the race as a kamikaze pilot attempting to take down Donald Trump.
Here is how this is going to go, metaphorically: Chris Christie, determination in his eyes, strides with confidence onto the GOP debate stage. His pants fall down, then his underwear falls down, then he trips and falls into the orchestra pit. Donald Trump calls him “Naked Chris” and that goes on his tombstone.
Donald Trump would not give a concession speech if Chris Christie defeated him. He would continue doing rallies as though nothing had happened.
This would be funny, though it would be tempered by the fact that we would have to see a Happy Chris Christie. Remember when he killed that lady by causing bridge traffic? I don’t need to see him smile anymore.
#2: Mike Pence
Obviously this would be hilarious.
Mike Pence has the charisma of a rocking chair. He has harsher words for the lesbian M&M than he does his would-be murderer. He is attempting to woo millions of voters who think he should be tried for treason for failing to set the presidential results on fire and install Daddy Trump as Dictator.
You have a better shot of seeing Mike Pence in a BangBus video than you do in the White House next year.
AND YET: God, it would be funny if he beat Trump. Imagine the pouting. The disbelief. The all-caps TruthSocials(?). It would be like if Ivanka announced she was joining the Elizabeth Warren campaign. Donald Trump might walk into the Atlantic Ocean with bricks in his robe.
Losing to Mike Pence, the SOLE REASON he is not president right now? Nothing could be more humiliating to Trump. He’d probably do another January 6th at the GOP convention, which, let’s face it, would also be very funny. To see Josh Hawley jogging away from terrorists again?? Funnier than anything on Netflix.
#1: Robert Mueller
SPOILER ALERT, BABY! What, did you think this was gonna be Nikki Haley?
Naw, dawg. No way. It’s Mueller Time.
It would be very, very funny if Robert Mueller entered the race, won the GOP nomination, arrested Trump onstage, and hit the griddy. Then Lin Manuel Miranda comes out and they do a rap about saving the Republic.
I know what you are thinking: This is stupid. This is not going to happen. This is a farce.
Okay, sure. But you didn’t have a problem with me pretending Chris Christie might win?
So that’s my number one pick. Mueller needs to return and finish the job and do a “Hamilton” rap. It’s what this country needs.