Why I am excited for the GOP debate

Or: Who is 2024's Lil' Marco?

Tonight is the first GOP debate, and the opinion I keep seeing is that it is pointless. Donald Trump, who is leading in every poll by 900 points, is not participating, so why bother?

Here’s why that’s wrong.

You don’t have to watch a debate to learn more about who will win an election.

You can watch a debate for any number of reasons — namely, schadenfreude.

So, let me admit: I am excited to watch Chris Christie yell at Trump-licking Republicans.

I want to see Vivek Ramaswamy start sputtering like a broken-down speedboat engine.

I want to see Ron DeSantis unleash a canned one-liner that bombs so badly he starts to visibly recede into his oversized collared shirt like a turtle going into its shell.

To me, that is what tonight’s debate is all about: An opportunity to see someone face-plant so badly they crash through the stage and land in a political grave.

Pictured: Eight people I would love to see humiliate themselves on national television.

The thing about most Republicans is that they are both insanely annoying and also carefully insulated from any direct criticism.

They appear on Fox News and OANN and Newsmax, or they take questions from national journalists who have been scolded into thinking that a stern followup question is evidence they are agents of George Soros.

You rarely, if ever, see any of these politicians pushed back onto their heels. And my God do some of these guys have heels they deserve to be pushed back onto.

One of the only joyful moments of the 2016 GOP primary was Chris Christie giving Marco Rubio an atomic wedgie on the debate stage.

Rubio was so blindsided by Chris Christie accusing him of being robotic that he Animorphed into an actual robot onstage. He repeated the same line four times in a row.

His brain short-circuited and sparks started flying from his temples. I thought his hair gel was going to catch fire.

For years we’d heard that Rubio was a golden boy, the future of the GOP; that primary debate moment ended Rubio’s presidential campaign and any chatter of future presidential campaigns.

It felt good, man. Look at this dweeb.

Pictured: The GOP’s first AI candidate did not do well in 2016.

This year Chris Christie is back, he has zero chance of winning the nomination, and he is eager to fight any Republican who says Trump doesn’t deserve to be in prison. That alone is reason to be excited for the debate.

I am excited to watch Chris Christie shout like a disgruntled Yankees fan calling into AM radio.

It will not affect the 2024 election in any way, sure. But it will feel nice, like a freezer-pack of peas on a sunburn.

I agree that, from a horse-race perspective, this debate is pointless. It’s like a hot dog eating contest without Joey Chestnut. Whoever “wins” this debate will still trail Trump badly and end up losing to him.

But that is partly what makes it so fun. This debate is meaningless. The “winner” will not be in charge of appointing Supreme Court justices. And the loser could irrevocably destroy their career. It’s all upside, baby!

So, forget about the polls. Wouldn’t it be funny if Mike Pence tripped and fell into the orchestra pit?

Do not be swayed by the Politicos of the world who tell you that the only reason to watch a debate is to see who could rise and fall in the 2024 power rankings.

There are more reasons to watch the debate, like spite.

Sure, you’re going to have to put up with transphobia and horror stories about the mortal dangers of Midtown Manhattan.

But maybe — just maybe — Ron DeSantis will accidentally fart onstage.

And wouldn’t that make the debate worth holding, after all?

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